May27-June29

29 Jun 05 Wednesday


Isolation Station

two days isolation
reminds you of your station
right quick

sure must be nice
to always have someone around
they say unknowingly

oh sure
it's enough to drive you mad with envy
it's almost sick

how lucky it makes me.

............


The Split Family Epitaph

For those who leave
perhaps a ball and chain
but it's definitely shackles
for those who remain.

2:32 PM

27 Jun 05 Monday


(C&W) Ballad about the free

She is driving to the north from the south
because of one kiss and the shape of his mouth
She's got cigarettes and elvis to keep her company
as she passes from county to county
She is dreaming at the wheel eyes wide open
hoping it was real not just fog on the ocean
And it takes a fool to believe nowadays
that the sun will shine once the fog evaporates
She is driving on a whim
just to see if it might be him
She's got all that she needs
in the empty passenger seat
She is dreaming at the wheel eyes wide open
hoping it was real not just fog on the ocean
And it takes a fool nowadays to believe
that the sun will shine if you brave the open sea.

1:15 AM

26 Jun 05 Sunday


Fever Dreams

As I'm sitting here waiting for my son's 105 fever to go down one of my most common dialogues is running through my head, looped: "So, why are you up so late?" "Insomnia" "Why do you have insomnia?" "Anxiety" "Anxiety about what?" "I don't know.."

And it all comes clear.

As the rest of the neighborhood is preparing for the Gay Pride Parade (I won't even get into the odd sexism inherent in calling it gay ) I am thinking about how much shit I've gotten in this neighborhood for having bred, and how there are two things for sure that people have in common: The urethra and that they came out of a woman's uterus; although I suppose there are possible exceptions to the former. Regardless I find it more and more offensive the longer I think about it that anyone in the neighborhood would be overtly rude to a me for having a child and raising him here--I mean, are you seriously going to have a whole parade about being accepted into society as normal and then shun a MOTHER that is raising her child among you like it ain't no thing? Wouldn't it be to everyone's advantage to support the ones like me?

That thought of course comes on the heels of attending an apparently very badly publicized fund raising event for my child's preschool, to which I am seriously indebted for it's forgiving tuition collection policies much like many other parents there.

Unfortunately these policies and some very bad choices made by our previous director have put the school in jeopardy and I can't help but think that we could really use some non-parent allies and some huge community support. By which I mean local big shot bands, Bill and Melinda Gates, The Stranger and The End; and maybe some of the clubs as well.

Because of my situation I don't really have time to organize this sort of thing, heck I barely made it to the darn walk-a-thon thing today and just barely make it to meetings at all, but someone must know someone else that knows all about making thousands and millions of dollars for one of the few solidly supportive schools for kids whose parents don't make a lot of money but still think and want their kids to do the same.

I mean, aren't those the sort of people we WANT to succeed????

and now if you'll excuse me, I'll get off my soap box and go make sure my son is going to break a sweat and break his fever so he can continue to better me at everything for another Bazillion days while I do my best not to purvey my anxiety.

2:19 AM

23 Jun 05 Thursday


Let's Talk About Sex! (some more!)

Hey ladies, ever notice how when you ovulate you just want to get laid? Not that this isn't the case the other three weeks of the month but it's almost painful on day 15. Wait five days and it's like you're going to kill someone.

I don't think blue balls are particularly a myth I just believe in equal standards of sympathy, I get chided by men about my sexual frustration, like it's not all that bad, like it's ok for me to just go without since I'm a girl which is utter bullshit. Has anyone else noticed that guys have a sexual cycle just like women?? That they like to power play with sex even more than we do? That it's especially cruel because they aren't even doing it because they're emotional or don't want to have sex when they're upset but more often the opposite, it's just a cold game about having control over the other person and seeing how long they'll put up with it. And the sick part is that both the sexes do.

When I was 18 I had a friend tell me that one of her boyfriends had ignored her so badly that she had stripped completely naked one day and gone over to him just to get his attention, she was a gorgeous girl and it didn't work. What I want to know is why in the world would you want the attention of someone so obviously emotionally and physically retarded--unless he just wasn't attracted to her in which case why the hell was he still dating her? Why not just give up control?

I would say the same thing to the women, sex really isn't the arena to display your debate skills, or to get something out of someone, or deny someone something. Sex isn't really the best place we've ever put our politics people, really.

I'm biased though; I've always looked at it as a moment where you get to know someone emotionally and physically, you get to explore eachother like hidden coves and new snow and you get to fall down as many times as you want knowing the other person wants to and will pick you up. And because of the vulnerability that is possible during sex, the trust that can be shown and given, the largeness of the moments you can have, it is, in my opinion, better to keep the power play out of sex.

3:35 PM

22 Jun 05 Wednesday


Rock the boat baby, it's rockin' anyway

Silence, censorship and prohibition are the biggest evils in this world. This holds true no matter the scope: from small toturous affairs to major uprisings you will find somewhere at their root a moment, a shift in power where someone kept silent entirely, something was purposefully deemed unspeakable, where something became disallowed and in that moment became the negative focal point; you will see that the power structure of that relationship or interaction became sick and eventually a ripe ground for unrest and dispute and destruction.

Making sure this doesn't happen is akin to not falling off one of these:






It takes practice, finesse and physical prowess, patience, and the desire to do it. How many of us have all of those? And how many more would rather remain comfortable and just not bother. Not even bother to hope it's possible. Even in their personal lives.

ptuit.

It makes me spit; how cowards always win. How still, with little guidance, the only ones who seem to realize these things instinctively are children.

7:32 PM

19 Jun 05 Sunday


And Some Awesome Now To Even Things Out

I have seriously had the best two fucking weeks, lots of lazing around in the sun and getting stuff done and hanging out with friends like a normal person. I've gone dancing, had band people hit on me hilariously, watched a movie IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, eaten vietnamese sandwiches and played guitar.

I've had long uninterrupted conversations on the phone and had days where I could get to know people in a way I am never able to: calmly. I've made good on promises and sent letters and held babies and talked to new mothers.

I've cuddled.

I've played pretend.

This has been such a lovely unexpected vacation. And I feel ready for it's end. I can't wait to start working again, because I know I'm going to be so busy now that it's over, and excited to prepare for the next year, and that after this year everything is going to be different and savoring what I have already is going to be so incredibly pleasant.

Like the last bite of ice cream at the bottom tip of a sugar cone.

11:19 PM


Old History For An Off Evening

it's possible i'll let this be real.

When I was 16 I dated a guy that I seriously never knew when it was ok to touch him or not so I was always on eggshells and it put my self esteem in the toilet enough to let him do some pretty fucked up shit to me. Now I'm 28 and wondering exactly how the hell him not wanting me consistently made me think it was a great idea to become twice as loyal to him and want to please..or rather placate him... even more.

The way he treated me made me feel miserable and ugly and I've seen pictures of myself from then, I had tits up to my chin and a perfectly heart shaped ass, I was rockin' hot and cool as fuck and I have no idea what his problem was except I know that without a doubt it was his problem and not mine and I should have kicked him to the curb immediately.

What's twice as baffling is I ended up marrying a similar man, less evil perhaps, but twice as uncomfortable in his skin and he would sometimes get physically uncomfortable when I touched him. There was nothing I could do to save him, all the "I love you as you are" in the world didn't help him and he left me. Much to my chagrin.

I've been with others as well, uncomfortable in their skin for one reason or another.

And then there are the ones that are absolutely at home as I have been, the ones that open the front door naked and yell it to the world, and take me out of bed and into the shower just to be close and spitting water silly, the ones that would lay in bed all day just so we could be skin to skin while we talked about all the things we'd done and seen and places we'd go and had been.

The ones that have taken my own self consciousness and turned it into desire and anticipation and comfort in their hands.

I can only wonder at my own innability to just let the others be. Humans are so odd that once they feel happiness they don't get it that that's what they will always need.

What's three times as baffling is watching other people do exactly the same thing as me.

10:04 PM


15 Jun 05 Wednesday


Sleep.....

I would like to rub my feet together and lay around in bed
and I know if I open up that book I'll gently tip my head
down

And then it's 4AM and all the lights are on
and I'll be cold and comfortless
confused with shades drawn like eyebrows
in worry

trying to get back to sleep with me
furrowing and burrowing into sheets with me
chasing after dreams

with cold feet and pillows and covered window panes.

15 Jun 05 Wednesday


Do you know what the difference between a slug and a snail is?

A snail owns it's own home.


at least that's how it appears to the eyes of this anamorphic obsessed human. I suppose it's more like a silver streamline really, which makes me wonder if there are little snail trailer parks strewn about the world where they go and congregate to make fun of the slugs for being homeless and multicolored.

Do the slugs feel inferior being shell-less? do they discuss their higher possibility of death by salt? and sun? is this why they are willing to drink themselves to death in great lakes of beer? These are things we can't know, but one thing is for sure: They are a HELL of a lot better equipped to be gigolos with their amazing capacity to have sex on the *ahem* run, and they come in some amazing sizes and colors to make up for their lack of mobile real estate.

When snails and slugs duke it out do you think they whack eachother with their eyes?? I mean if I were one of them I'd do it just because it's so god damned funny to watch someone's WHOLE EYE dissappear and reappear, it'd be like watching a couple of whack-a-moles fight. That and their eyes are so mobile and shaped just like bats, it seems logical.

Of course those bastard snails would probably turn inside out with fear and hide in their shells once the battle got too heated..the cowards. Not a smart move I would think, especially if they were fighting a banana slug "YOU BASTARD!!!! " it would yell " COME OUT OF THERE AND FIGHT LIKE A SLUG!!!!!!" it would protest "WHAT ARE YOU?!?!?!? YELLOW???? BAHHHH HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH" it would laugh. Then I'd imagine it would just slime over the snail and seal it inside it's pretentious shell with super slug goo and trail off on it's merry way to the beer lake.

The poor snail. Just goes to show that locking yourself away alone in your house isn't always the best course of action*. Just ask the Roly Polies..........





*not that drowning in beer out in the blazing sun is really a BETTER option mind you.....

12:02 AM

13 Jun 05 Monday


I thought the kinks were a band....?

Today I'm conflicted about sharing. Having the tendency to write about what's on my mind can sometimes bite me in the ass. Today especially. Watch, you'll see, and I'm even going to leave it incomplete.

Aside from the work/money/get outta dodge knot that's starting to form in my stomache my mind has been unequivocally preoccupied by the concept of 'turn ons' for several days now.

I keep reading these surveys that ask things like "ohhh what sort of naughty things do you like?" and "where's the dirtiest place you've done it???" and reading the answers. For the most part I want to be a smart ass and reply "Naughty??? I LIKE TO TALK INTO MY SHIRT WHEN AUTHORITIES ASK ME QUESTIONS!!!! " get's me the naughty chair all the time "DIRTY????? I did it in a bachelor's apartment...I did it on the ground in a garden...how's that for dirty??" they both had sand and odd smells.

My favorite is when people ask me directly and I have the excellent urge to actually tell them: My turn ons are feeling safe and trusting and like the other person wants just me (yes!!! THIS IS SO GONNA FLY!!! I also like warm fuzzy things and walks on the beach as well!!!! right?!). My turn ons are being turned on by the other person and wanting to know what they know (Always so easy to say in a hot moment! and to explain to people that are dumber than a box of rocks that I've turned down!).
My turn on is strength of varying kinds and degrees (I can't tell you how many times this has been misinterpreted, by them AND me).

My turn on is being turned onto things.

I've never really thought sex was particularly dirty or naughty, or even really disconnected from emotion and intellect. I suppose that's because it's always been about the love and connecting for me, unless it was missing those things, in which case I would totally bring on the kinks--because they are informative and entertaining at the very least, if rarely satisfying.

Currently listening:
Come Dancing With the Kinks: The Best of the Kinks 1977-1986 [2000]
By The Kinks
Release date: By 08 March, 2005

9:37 PM

12 Jun 05 Sunday


You Can Leave Your Glasses On, Baby!!

I bought George Michael FAITH on vinyl. I played it nonstop today and I just want to say that song holds up.

I first saw and recorded that song on MTV, right after George Harrison's "Gotta have money" or whatever that is with all the talking animal heads, I couldn't have been more than 12 or 13 and in my pre-pubescent cloud of hormones thought OH MAN, now THAT'S a SEXY JUKE BOX WITH ORGAN COMING OUT OF IT!! (yes, my hormones always yelled) and then OHHHHH MANNNNNN THAT'S A SEXY LEG WITH A HIGH HEEEEEL!!!!!!!! and then OHHHHHHHHH MAN !!!! THAT'S A SEXY GUY SHAKING HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!! SINGING ABOUT FIDELITY AND WANTING TO DO IT WITH MEEEEEANING!!!!

This was before I knew he was gay....that the leg was probably a man's leg, the booty another man's ass and that dude! without the sunglasses George Michael is pretty UNattractive !!!!

it was just a mad hot video that involved a lot of booty shaking and a mysterious sexy woman and a HOT BOX of music.

hey, I never said I had good taste. But I will stick by my pubescent adoration of I want Your Sex and FAITH. Whatever the grown ups say!

8:57 PM

11 Jun 05 Saturday


Butterscotch Candies

This week I will tuck away quietly into my pockets
where it can nestle in with forgotten bills
and ticket stubs
and treats;

This week will be found again in some quiet moment
By idly searching fingers among the bills
and memories
pleasantly savoured at that date;

Still sweet.

2:39 PM

09 Jun 05 Thursday


Sax at Nineteen

curled up with my sax
in a chair fast asleep
skin sighs softly as snakes
mark my progress from the tank
the cats pace
you would never know my love
would not leave again with me
nor mark the tears fallen down my face
over my perfect stolen mouthpiece.

10:40 PM

08 Jun 05 Wednesday


do as you please, just like me: an exercise in clarity

Since there seems to be some confusion as to my habits and vices lets have a list shall we?

these are things I don't put in my body, have never put in there and although I don't very much live in absolutes, in future I won't likely put these in my body:

cocaine, blow, foot powder
Heroine, smack, dragon
Speed, methamphetimines, snorts
E, ecstasy, mdma
pills, ludes, recreational medication


and these are things I have, do and may at some point imbibe:

Alcohol, beers, booze
tobacco, smokes, cigarettes
lsd, acid, electric kool-aid
mushrooms, 'shrooms, yeah these are straight forward
spliffs, marijuana, weed


I am pretty sure that my views about these things are very clear, my likes and dislikes and judgements are not a secret but rather the opposite and sometimes quite loudly proclaimed and that everyone I know knows that although I will not keep my opinions a secret I don't expect other people to behave or think the way I do and I know that whatever decisions you make are your own to deal with, and until you behave like a complete ass towards me personally because of those decisions I will love you, like you, hang out with you and allow you as much room as you need to make your own decisions--with one small request: that you tell me what and that you are on something other than booze and air so I don't think your weird behaviour has anything to do with me.

hope that clears things up.

xo R

7:35 PM

06 Jun 05 Monday


Welcome to the Sideshow Tent:

On saturday I got to see a band paraded out like some sort of circus freaks and made to partake in one of the most awkward interactions between band and fans I've ever seen. Me and my big mouth all I could say was "I'm not really a fan, what's your name?" "Daniel" "Hi I'm ramona, the last guy I dated was really into you guys."

Hmmm. Suave as usual. I don't have any fan in me I don't think, I never particularly feel like nobody and I just want to go drink a beer with the people I think i'd get along with which makes me doubly awkward in situations that are specifically geared to meeting people unnaturally because my initial instinct is to just say hi, you wanna go get a beer? have a chat? but I feel that decorum makes it so I should behave in some other more reverent way that just isn't me.

maybe it's because I've become accustomed to being on the fence just by my habit of getting to know people before realizing they're in a band or semi-famous...I'm really shitty about it, I have no head for names so I don't really follow who's who until they shake my hand, give me a hug, a conversation, a ride a beer something personal and then I like them, and they are just people that I would like to spend more time with when they have it to spare.

Get comfortable, you might say. I really would have preferred to meet them After the show, I would say, because at least then I would have had something sincerely nice to say.

I have some friends in the UK who are touring for 27 days straight sometimes playing twice a day. I hate their label already, and I'm pissed that people I like are being treated so badly under the guise of being treated well. the guise of being given a chance and yet not being publicized to the full extent.

I'm not crying about it, we all know what it is to go into performance, but lately I've realized that I know a lot of people that have to play this game and I've felt personally offended by it probably just because I love them and feel some odd loyalty that other people usually reserve for family.

10:49 PM

05 Jun 05 Sunday


Last Night

<3<3<3

5:48 PM

04 Jun 05 Saturday


I'm going to quit smoking so I can keep drinking

Now, on a scale of one to ten, smoking and drinking are about a -4 on my priority list; but lately I've noticed that as long as I do not smoke I can just keep drinking and not feel like total shit.

That my body prefers to follow drinks with an oxygen chaser is interesting news, I mean, talk about motivation not to smoke.

aside from all the other reasons: it ruining my voice, making me feel and look old, screwing with my sex drive, and you know killing me.

proving once again that KNOWING is ONLY half the battle.

2:15 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


Tomorrow's Endfest Shennanigans:

I am going to Endfest, and I will most likely get to meet interpol and I don't know how I'm getting back yet. I don't know if anyone else is going.

it's an odd feeling. seat..pants....flying

if you are going, call me, offer me a ride home, I'll be in the pit. I have to be be back by early sunday morning. if you don't have my number shoot me a line here and I will give it to you.

xo R

1:07

03 Jun 05 Friday


mundane

I cleaned out one cupboard today. if I go through the house bit by bit it will eventually be entirely clean and then there will be room again for someone else.

I suppose I better move the furniture and clean the molding this time, make sure I don't leave any hidden piles of paper and laundry anywhere, get rid of the books I don't need anymore, all the little piles of mistaken history; I better organize the music and sweep and hang paintings if I want it to mean anything.

I don't have time for these inconsequential little messes, they sting a lot and bleed like paper cuts into everything but they aren't ever as bad as they seem.

It's time to make space for dancing in the living room again, because that's what I'm looking for in the end.

2:26 AM

02 Jun 05 Thursday


If I.

C7, B7, E7, C7, E7, B7, G, B7, E7

down/up/down/up 1+2+ strumm

2:34 AM

01 Jun 05 Wednesday


almost haiku and another little movie review

how unexpected
to be saved
by a band like green day.


**********


Elektra:

Yeah, uhm, a two hour episode of alias only with cool mortal combat special effects and some shitty apology in the form of Elektra being made out to have NOT gone completely batshit crazy from being brought back from the dead. other than that it wasn't a total waste of time, I'm glad I only paid for the video though.

also, Just so the record is clear: I STILL take issue with that scrawny faced little mouse of a girl being cast as what is supposed to be a six foot crazy assassin goddess type woman.....LUCY LAWLESS PEOPLE.....jennifer garner just ISN'T intimidating, she always looks like she's about to cry or like someone just said something mean to her and she's gonna really really really tell daddy because her feelings were hurt..... also she has no idea how to walk in those heeled boots which was really funny to watch. and it was obvious that she neither liked to wear the red outfit nor could she OWN it..it was really too bad they didn't indoctrinate her into the POWER OF STRIPPING DOWN TO YOUR SKIVVIES with loads of wonder woman tapes and comics.

it might have made her at the very least look like she had some business in anything remotely hotter than a black turtle neck and jeans. (sorry jenny, I've watched your other show, I know You CAN look comfortable in hot outfits..so what was the fucking deal????)

so, not a waste of time, but I hope you like ALIAS.

xo R

2:09 AM

31 May 05 Tuesday


Divorce (and a series of unfortunate events)

We'll deal with this fire
in our own separate ways
Once ignited
You'll go and I'll stay
I'll smother it
You'll back away
And it won't have a chance
this starving romance
It won't have a chance either way.





****************


Limony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events was masterfully done and well written..the care was obvious and the credits were almost as entertaining as the movie itself. Carrey of course overacted but the children were superb and the effects were smooth in a way that didn't distract from the over all movie.

maybe it's because it's late but the poignant moments were done correctly and although I cried I didn't feel yanked around emotionally as I sometimes do with newer films. I am incredibly surprised at this movie's quality, especially since I sort of assumed it would be dissapointing in the way BIG FISH was...a nice little film but not really ... real enough to make the fantastic parts believable.

talk to me tomorrow when I don't feel as sad about the uncle but I would totally own this movie if I did that sort of thing.

1:08 AM

30 May 05 Monday


No Fault Love=No Harm Done..A Memory

"I didn't really remember what you looked like....and then I saw you and was like...ohh yeahh, she's really beautiful."

beautifulbeautifulbeautiful.

there are people who are meant to be together, even if only briefly, and instead of breaking one another down they build eachother up completely.

"I don't really fall out of love, it can take awhile to fall into it, but once I'm there I'm yours."

"So, I see."

yoursyoursyours

there are people who will never know what it's like to live together, but who will not once know what it's like to feel apart from one another.

"I am imperfect"
"perfection bores me"
"these are all my flaws"
"I couldn't live without these"
"I will never be anyone else"
"that is all I need, you are so precious to me"

precious..to...me.

There are those who don't believe in actual love, and those people will be fine without it, but it's impossible to forget, for those of us who've had it.

30 May 05 Monday


Yeahhh so...

I need another breakbeat night at the Baltic. Where I can wear jeans and trainers and a t shirt without feeling underdressed.

I mean I adored hanging out this weekend.....but my ass is becoming atrophied..and a huge amount of athletic dancing is my favorite way to cut down on my vices whatever they may be.

not to mention the hot endorphine rush and lack of caring about who's watching.

xo R

12:56 PM

27 May 05 Friday


This is MY musical dildo...

Ipods are just this one step away from being musical dildos, if they were any sleeker I'm positive someone would try to fuck one.....in fact, if the shuffles are at all as smooth and hard as a 3rd gen 10g is I would BET you that I'm not the only one that would consider doing the shuffle hustle, if you know what I mean.

I'm not just saying this for shock value, after having a child I basically became a sherpa and ANYTHING that means I don't have to carry so much crap but can still have all the things I want with me is a fucking blessing from heaven as far as I'm concerned; so after long deliberation I decided to start looking for one I could afford. The disturbing part is that it only took a month of looking for me to go from "Wow, that would be so fucking useful and petit compared to this cd player--I would really like one!" to "I MUST HAVE ONE RIGHT FUCKING NOW IT"S THE SEXIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN EVER!!! OMG!!!" (Yelled internally of course, because I hate my friends and family to know just how obsessive I am on occasion). Once I realized I was there I became upset and realized I better turn ipods back into things before I fucked up and spent a hell of a lot of money on one.

So I found a broken one on craigslist, $40, which is reasonable since it would serve the dual purpose of bringing me right the fuck back to earth with it's absolute uselessness and would also make an excellent gift for one of my all time favorite people ever that would get a kick out of fucking around with a broken ipod. I thought it would keep him busy for at least a month, and that he could have fun tooling around inside the thing and reworking it or whatever his little computer loving heart desired!

It worked on both levels, and I felt at peace.

Then 24 hours later my friend texted me and said "You have an ipod". 24 hours later people. I was like "uh uhhh I gave it to you, that's not right, if you fixed it you should keep it!!" and he was like "Uh UHHHH that's not RIGHT I fixed it and now I'm giving it back to YOU." (yeah I know, sacharin-poisoning...them's the kind of people I know..) so I was like "FINE!!!! THANKS!!!!! "

And now I have a $40 ipod that my awesome friend fixed ("You can give it back when it REALLY dies..") ...it's got scratches, it's got personallity, it's hard drive is DEFINITELY going, it's screen isn't as bright as other ipod screens...and sometimes, yeah sometimes it just decides "hey! fuck that song!! you don't even need to hear that song here's the one *I* want to listen to!!"...which means I will have to completely brainwash it again and reload the program altogether very soon....which in all actuallity is sort of exciting!!! and kind of fun to do now that I know how....

And now, for the first time in a VERY long time I get to hear my music between drop offs and pickups...and I get to run with music, and slip it into my pocket discreetly without any fuss about cds or tapes or extra bags full of batteries.

You have NO IDEA how amazing that is, for me to have something that is, aside from it's personallity (which honestly I prefer in some ways), actually convenient and useful and that thanks to my awesome friend I didn't even have to break the bank to get.

And if it were just a LITTLE bit more shapely.....!